dont sexualize tommy wiseau
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
like tbh i feel like my problem with the “dark and gritty!!” trend in modern stories is this
there’s this idea in our culture that cynicism is realistic? that only children believe in happy endings, that people are ultimately selfish and greedy and seeing with clear eyes means…
I don’t really agree with you. Cynicism is easy to fall into because the world is that way. People assume other people are terrible, so they act terribly. Kids are optimistic because they haven’t learned yet that their lives will be so much easier if they give that up.
|—||me (tumblr user mistercoventry)|
Way to make it awkward, Dave.
I don’t know how to find the source… T^T
Ohh hehe this is my comic, dear! ;3
6 favorite selfies, and I’m wearing my housecoat in 3 of them
There’s a dog at work today who is a real life deviantart oc. He’s a border collie with long blonde 90s surfer dude bangs and it’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen since I started this job.
Nature is a wonder.
I was being 100% serious.
lmao my mom got me long hamsters haha why these hamsters so long
those are ferrets you pile of wombat shit
haha aw sweetie :) you need to learn your animals! those are long hamsters! they’re like hamsters… but they’re long! (:
Lemme correct you thetimeofdawn, dicklover3000 is a pile of ‘ferret’ shit, and dicklover3000, those are in fact, ferrets, get a 3rd grade education, “sweetie”
aw babe im sure you meant well but those are not ferrets! theyre long hamsters! (: its ok to not know a lot about animals! youll learn!
EDUCATE YOURSELF DICKLOVER3000 FUCKING SHIT. DID YOU SUCK TOO MANY DICK THAT YOU FORGOT EVERYTHING ELSE???!!!??!?¿¿???!!!
Listen, “babe.” If you want to correct others, make sure you got your facts straight. At least google it so that you may actually sound intelligent rather than a brainless neanderthal. You’re embarrassing yourself, honey.
baby doll my facts are 100 percent true! :-) silly silly ferrets are only a myth! these are long hamsters! im sure you have heard of them! they’re available in many pet stores! they’re awfully cute but very hyper!
Listen here, dickwad
A ferret is a domesticated form of a European Polecat. Its scientific name is Mustela putorius furo. LOOK IT UP SO THAT YOU CAN DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. Might I say, its life span is 7-10 years. LONG HAMSTERS are not proper nor do they roam the earth. So please, look it up and EDUCATE YOURSELF, TWAT.
i am sorry that you refuse to educate yourself on the beauty of long hamsters! my dear you are simply just wrong on this matter! dont worry! one day you will understand :) long hamsters are truly magical creatures…
JESUS CHRIST WOMAN. LONG HAMSTERS DONT EXIST. YOU. NEED. TO DO. YOUR. OWN. GODDAMN. RESEARCH. BC YOU. ARE BEING AN UNEDUCATED LITTLE SWINE. MAYBE, IF YOU SUCK A DICK TOO HARD, YOU MIGHT SUCK THEIR BRAINS OUT, THEN MAYBE, YOU WILL HAVE A LITTLE INTELLIGENCE IN YOU.
goodness gracious! sweetheart! long hamsters have been the center of many, many studies for years! they are truly little miracles! no one knows how these hamsters got so long. (: it is okay that you have yet to explore the amazing Cricetinae longis.
I’m not going to lie, I really wouldn’t mind slapping the person with enough idiocy to think that long hamsters exist. They are not real nor will they ever be unless hamsters evolve to have elongated bodies. You are an uncultured swine and need to stop being so arrogant towards the people telling you that they are ferrets. If you did your research, you would find that those people are, in fact, correct. Those are FERRETS. There is no such thing as long hamsters.
no those are long hamsters
how do people not recognize a long hamster the picture is right there you can see their faces and everything
people that call you by just your last name
- gym teachers/coaches
- someone that wants to challenge you to a battle to the death
pansexuals will steal your girl, your man, your non-binary romantic partner, your car, your bank account PIN number, and your cat.
Fastest way to get through a border patrol checkpoint
are you fuckingkidding me
Are you uncomfortable yet?
can someone please explain this to me? i see nothing different and its bothering me
Honestly I thought it was because Tavros wasn’t in a wheelchair, but then I saw it and I just
HELP I DONT UNDERSTAND
Ok, im dumb
I found it
is the joke that there’s nothing wron g because this post literally just
Thank you so much!
I STILL DONT GET IT GFDI
Okay wait did this post change since the last time I saw this? Because last time I could’ve sworn she had 14 pupils instead of 2.
I feel that this is necessary after some of the things I’ve witnessed on tumblr. I’ve watched people receive extremely hateful and vicious attacks, and most of the time they feel like they’re completely alone and everyone is against them. I want them to know that’s not the case.
If you really want to help me make a statement, please copy this and repost it instead of reblogging. Tag all your fandoms. That way, people tracking the tags will keep seeing it and will know that there are more good people than haters in the community.
I love how Avatar fans think that just because the Gaang were super cool kids that that means they’d be the greatest parents.
One kid didn’t grow up with parents and all his parental figures were killed in a genocide when he was 12.
Two siblings lost their mother as…
And Zuko and Sokka are so far the only ones not confirmed for parenting fail.